On Monday of this week I had a Doctors appointment. Nothing out of the ordinary, but rather it was my 16 week prenatal check-up. It was kind of exciting too because there was a possibility we would be able to find out the gender of our expectant baby.
What we were not expecting was there to be no heartbeat. If you have followed my blogs at all you know that this is not something that is new to us. This was rather our 5th child to enter Heaven before we were able to say “hello” in person.
Tears were and continue to be numerous. Both from grief and hormones.
Tomorrow I will go in and have surgery to remove my sweet, once expectant baby. It will not be an easy day, that is a certainty. However, I know from the past that God’s grace will entirely engulf my husband and I.
At times like this I kind of feel like a turtle. I feel as though I climb into my shell and grieve. I can’t handle face to face talking with others just yet. I talk to my husband a lot and I cry out to my Jesus, my great I AM. He is everything I need Him to be always, but I feel His presence even more at times like these. When I compare myself to a turtle, I am not saying I am trying to escape from reality, rather, I run to my Hiding Place. I go to the comforting arms of my I AM. This is too much for my heart to handle, humanly. I feel so much pain as I say good-bye to my sweet baby yet again and am reminded of our other losses. I need this alone time to just dwell in my Hiding Place where I can find true comfort. Our earthly loss is certainly Heavens gain.
With each loss I have found different verses of Scripture to be such a comfort to my soul. This time around I have found 1 Peter 4:19 to be especially comforting. It says, “Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.” I also love how it is written in the ESV which says, “Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.”
Our hearts are broken, but God is still so good. I truly desire to glorify God through whatever He allows us to go through. To me it is not worth getting angry over, or to become bitter about because I know if I chose that route I am stepping outside from under God’s protection which can put my entire family at risk. Rather, I will grieve, I will work through the emotions that can sometimes seem overwhelming, I will trust the Lord, I will cling to my I AM. By God’s grace we will come through this shining brighter for HIM.
Because of God’s grace I can truly say, It Is Well With My Soul.
There are a few songs that have meant so much to me, but this one has been extra special this time around.