My intent for this blog is not to focus on our previous pregnancy losses, but rather to share what the Lord lays on my heart. Today, what is on my heart is the quickly approaching 2 year birthday of our sweet Elioenai Matthew going to Heaven.
In the nearly 2 years that he has been gone I have seen God do some vast working in my heart. I look back to where I was 2 years ago and see how far God has brought me and I cannot help but be filled with praise to our God.
Two years ago my heart was crushed. When I think back to that time my mind and emotions take me right back to the feelings, fears, and discouragements I faced at the very moment I heard, “He has no heartbeat”. There is just nothing that can prepare a mother’s heart for those words.
I can’t take my thoughts back to that place very often, I still cannot talk about our sweet boy’s death without choking up…. even now I’m thankful I don’t have to actually speak this blog post for there is a huge lump wedged in my throat. However, I am still sitting here thankful for all that God has done.
In these past two years God has taught me much about Himself. When others were saying, “Be thankful you have at least 2 children God has given you here to raise”, God was understanding the hurt in my heart. It was not that I was not thankful for my two precious children still living and breathing here on this earth, but as only mother’s who have held the lifeless body of their sweet child in their arms can know, there is no other child who can *replace* the one gone to Heaven.
God has taught me much about finding all I need in Him. Allowing Him to heal the wounds that will forever leave a scar on my heart. Beginning each new day with His all sufficient grace and mercy and compassion that fails not. There were days in the beginning when I didn’t even think I could get out of bed, but the Lord reminded me that I can do all things through Him. Discouragement was so very real. Judgements were very hurtful. Loneliness was something I felt on a daily basis. However, it is because of the Lord’s mercies that I was not consumed.
In these past two years I have learned so much about how much I really do or do not trust the Lord in different areas. Sometimes it is easier to trust the Lord than at other times. Placing my trust in God for His will to be accomplished instead of my own has not been the easiest thing I have ever done. I have found myself praying, “This would be so much easier if You could promise me, God, that my heart won’t get broken!” Yet, if I knew what the future held there wouldn’t be much need for trust now would there?
I have learned also that sometimes people do want to know that Pastor’s wives are *real* people with *real* struggles. There are a few slim pickin’s out there who don’t want to realize that, but from my experience, I have found that people within our church family need to know that even the Pastor’s wives struggle from time to time. I’m not perfect. I have questioned God. I have been discouraged. I go through valleys just like the next person, yet the Lord is so good and faithful to be right there with me. To hold my hand and carry me at times through those valleys. He is the greatest source of encouragement around!
Heaven is sounding sweeter all the time. I love and cherish these children I have on earth, but I also look forward to the day when my entire family can be together for all of eternity praising Jesus!
His will not mine. His will, though it may break my heart, is always, always better. Even through the valleys He is SO good all the time.
Dear Lord, Please give my sweet children up in Heaven a gigantic Mama sized hug for me! Kiss their cheeks and tell them just as I tell my children here on earth that I love them to the moon and back a bazillion times more! Thank you for taking care of them and please, continue to heal our hearts. Thank you for your goodness in our lives and help us to keep desiring Your will instead of our own. You are so good to us! I love you, Lord! Amen.